Why Are You Stuck in a Situationship?

 I think situationships are interesting because we spend so much time trying to understand the other person and almost no time trying to understand ourselves.

We will sit with our friends for three hours and analyse his texts.

“He replied after six hours.”

“But he was working.”

“Yeah but he watched my story.”

“Okay but he said he misses me.”

And then somehow we have created an entire research paper on a man who hasn't even asked us what we are.

I'm not even making fun of you because I think most of us have done some version of this.

We become detectives. We analyse the timing of messages, the tone, the emojis, whether they liked our story, whether they called us after drinking, whether they introduced us to their friends, whether they said “I miss you” but didn't say “I want a relationship.”

And honestly, sometimes I think all of this analysis is a way of avoiding the actual question.

What are you doing here?

Because maybe you already know.

Maybe you know that you want a relationship.

Maybe you know that this person isn't giving you one.

Maybe you know that you are getting attached.

Maybe you know that you are checking your phone more than you should.

Maybe you know that you are pretending to be okay with something because you are scared that if you ask for more, the whole thing will disappear.

And that is where I think we need to talk about ourselves.

Not him.

Us.

Because there has to be some reason why you are staying in something that is making you this confused.

And I don't think the answer is always “because he's manipulating you.”

Sometimes people are selfish. Sometimes people lie. Sometimes people genuinely don't know what they want. Sometimes they want the benefits of a relationship without the responsibility of one.

All of that exists.

But you still have to ask yourself why you are participating in it.

Maybe you are getting something from it too.

And that sounds harsh, but I don't mean it in a bad way.

Maybe you like the attention.

Maybe you like knowing there is someone who wants you.

Maybe you are lonely.

Maybe you really like this person.

Maybe you don't want a relationship right now either, but you don't want to lose the connection.

Maybe you are hoping they will eventually change their mind.

Maybe you don't even know what you want and the situationship allows you to avoid making that decision.

And sometimes I think that is why situationships can go on for so long.

They are uncomfortable, but they are also convenient.

You get some of the good parts of having someone without having to deal with the full reality of a relationship.

You have someone to call.

Someone to flirt with.

Someone to meet.

Someone who knows what you are doing.

Someone who makes you feel attractive.

And when you are having a bad day, you have that person.

So even if you know something is missing, you still think, but at least I have this.

And I understand that.

Nobody wants to voluntarily make themselves lonely.

But there is a point where you have to ask whether having this person in your life is actually making your life better or whether you are just afraid of what your life will feel like without them.

Because those are two very different things.

You might not even want them as much as you think

I think this happens more than we admit.

Sometimes you don't actually want the person.

You want the feeling you get when they want you.

You like being chosen.

You like getting the message.

You like having someone think about you.

You like knowing that if you post a picture, there is someone who will probably react.

And when they pull away, suddenly you want them ten times more.

Then they come back and you feel amazing.

Then they disappear again.

And now you are thinking about them all day.

You call it chemistry.

Maybe it is.

But sometimes it is just uncertainty making something feel more intense than it actually is.

Because when someone is consistently there, there isn't much to obsess over.

You know where you stand.

But when someone keeps moving closer and then further away, your brain starts looking for answers everywhere.

You start thinking about them while you're working.

While you're eating.

Before you sleep.

You check whether they're online.

You wonder why they haven't replied.

You reread old conversations.

And now this person has taken up so much space in your head that you start believing they must be incredibly important to you.

Maybe they are.

Or maybe uncertainty has made them important.

That's something worth thinking about.

And then there is the potential problem

This is probably my biggest issue with situationships.

We become attached to what something could become.

Not what it actually is.

You had one amazing weekend together and suddenly you can see the whole future.

You remember the way they looked at you.

You remember that conversation where they told you something personal.

You remember how comfortable you felt around them.

And because those moments were real, you start believing the relationship is real too.

But a few good moments don't automatically create a healthy relationship.

Someone can genuinely care about you and still not be able to give you the relationship you want.

Someone can have chemistry with you and still not want to build a life with you.

Someone can miss you and still not want commitment.

This is the annoying part of dating.

Two people can have feelings for each other and still not be right for each other.

And sometimes we keep waiting because we think if the circumstances change, everything will suddenly work.

Maybe after their job settles.

Maybe after their breakup.

Maybe after they are ready.

Maybe after I prove that I'm different.

And then you realise you have spent months waiting for a person to become available.

That's a very expensive way to spend your time.

Maybe you are scared to ask for what you actually want

I think a lot of women do this.

You want commitment but you don't say it.

You want consistency but you act like you don't care.

You want to know where the relationship is going but you are scared to bring it up because you don't want to look needy.

So you become this extremely chill version of yourself.

“Oh, I'm not looking for anything serious either.”

Really?

Because then why are you crying to your friend about him every Sunday?

Why are you analysing his behaviour?

Why are you upset when he dates someone else?

Why are you imagining what it would be like if he finally committed?

You don't have to be embarrassed about wanting a relationship.

Wanting commitment doesn't make you desperate.

Wanting clarity doesn't make you clingy.

And if saying what you want scares someone away, then maybe you needed that information.

Because otherwise you are basically saying, I would rather keep you than be honest about what I need.

And that is where you start abandoning yourself.

Maybe you don't trust that you can get better

This one is uncomfortable.

Because sometimes the reason you stay isn't because this person is so amazing.

It's because you are not convinced that someone else will come along.

You think, What if nobody else likes me?

What if I leave and regret it?

What if this is the best I can do?

And you might never say those things out loud because obviously we all want to believe we have high standards.

But our behaviour tells us what we actually believe.

If you keep accepting something that makes you unhappy because you're terrified of losing it, there is probably something deeper happening.

Maybe your self-worth is too dependent on being chosen.

Maybe you don't enjoy being alone.

Maybe you think relationships are difficult to find and you have to hold onto whatever comes your way.

Maybe you have spent so much time feeling like you aren't enough that even inconsistent attention feels incredibly valuable.

And this is where I would rather work on myself than spend another six months trying to decode somebody.

Because even if that person suddenly commits, the insecurity doesn't automatically disappear.

You will still be scared they will leave.

You will still compare yourself.

You will still need reassurance.

You will still wonder whether they secretly want someone better.

So sometimes the situationship is not the whole problem.

It is just exposing something that was already there.

You also have to admit when you are lowering your own standards

This is where things get really embarrassing.

Because maybe you started with a completely different idea of what you wanted.

You wanted a proper relationship.

You wanted someone consistent.

You wanted someone who was proud to be with you.

Then you met this person and suddenly your standards started changing.

Now you're okay with casual.

You're okay with not knowing.

You're okay with seeing each other only when it is convenient.

You're okay with disappearing for days.

You're okay with them not introducing you to anyone.

You're okay with the relationship being a secret.

And every time something happens that makes you uncomfortable, you find a reason for it.

“They're busy.”

“They have a lot going on.”

“They've been hurt before.”

“They're just not good at texting.”

And maybe all of those things are true.

But why does understanding someone's behaviour require you to tolerate it?

You can understand why someone is emotionally unavailable and still decide that you don't want an emotionally unavailable person in your life.

Those two things can exist together.

So maybe the real question is not why they won't commit

Maybe the real question is why you keep staying when you know you want something different.

And I don't think the answer has to be dramatic.

Maybe you are lonely.

Maybe you are attached.

Maybe you are scared.

Maybe you are hopeful.

Maybe you genuinely love them.

Maybe you are not ready to let go.

Fine.

At least be honest with yourself.

I think that is much healthier than pretending you are the cool girl who doesn't care.

If you want a relationship, admit that you want one.

If you are okay with casual, then actually be okay with casual.

If you know you are getting attached, don't keep telling yourself you can handle something that is clearly hurting you.

And if you decide to stay, at least make that decision consciously.

Don't stay because you are hoping someone else will eventually make the decision for you.

Because that is how you lose months of your life.

And maybe that's the biggest thing I want you to take from this.

A situationship is not always something that is simply happening to you.

Sometimes you are staying because it is meeting a need you haven't learned to deal with yet.

Maybe you need attention.

Maybe you need validation.

Maybe you need companionship.

Maybe you need to work on your self-worth.

Maybe you need to learn how to be alone.

Maybe you need to become comfortable saying what you actually want.

Whatever it is, don't be afraid to look at yourself.

Because once you stop obsessing over what the other person is doing, you finally get to ask the more important question:

What am I doing here, and why am I okay with it?

And honestly, that answer might be much more useful than anything they could ever text you.